the tent is now gone and the campsite is clean

8:53 PM 7/15/2014

I finished taking the tent down. It’s in the dumpster now. It had several huge spiders on it, and I started killing them instead of chasing them away – they were just too much for me to stand. They had like a two inch diameter and were fast-moving wolf spiders.

Jesse quit the job he was working at, and I’m afraid he might stop talking to me because he’ll be depressed about having quit his job. I don’t know for sure though. He’s been easier to reach in the past month or so.

The tent is completely down. Nothing is left up there. Now I have several contaminated items: my shoes, and my bike pedals. This floor is contaminated. I’m barefoot now. I never go barefoot around the house anymore. I took off my socks because I stepped on something wet in the bathroom, and only several minutes after putting my wet bare foot down on the floor, I felt a heart palpitation signaling a reaction. I tried to lie down and sleep, but I had the feeling of insomnia – I wasn’t there long enough to prove it, and my roommates were all downstairs talking and cooking, and I’ve had a lot of caffeine, but in spite of all that, I recognize that my body feels different now – I am poisoned, merely from stepping barefoot on the floor. I will never sleep again until and unless I wash my feet and put socks on.

So the tent is down, but my decon is not over. It seems to be never over. The soul murderers probably wanted me to fail. Or they wanted it to take forever. I’m thinking of Jesse and wondering how badly contaminated *his* shoes must be, after having walked in my apartment, after having let me ride in his car and put my feet on the floor of the car. I won’t be able to demonstrate to him the existence of drug residue contamination.

I have this hopeless and miserable feeling. Right now Jesse is the only thing in my life that I enjoy, and since he quit his job, I’m afraid he won’t speak to me again.

I’ve ordered a pizza. I’m waiting for it now. I don’t have a lot of money left. I haven’t quite gotten my schedule settled with regard to how much I need to work, in order to pay my bills.

I am overwhelmed and frustrated and miserable, and also I feel like my period is starting soon, which adds to the feeling of depression and hopelessness. I am not able to be happy about the fact that the tent has finally been completely taken down, so that there is not a single thing remaining up there belonging to me – I’m not happy about it, and wasn’t expecting to be. My decon isn’t over. I still have this nightmare of ephedra-covered floors. I don’t have a lot of belongings left, so it’s not as bad to do a decon as it used to be, but yet, I have a boyfriend now who has walked in this house. Anytime anyone else gets involved, they undermine my decons. It wouldn’t be so bad if everybody everywhere just instantly believed every word I say and instantly did everything I commanded them to do, such as move out of their house and leave behind all their possessions, including the clothes on their back.

I’ll eat the pizza and read my book for a while. I’m going to work tomorrow. Nothing is done. The tent is down, but this is not progress. I have so much more to do, it’s impossible. And I cannot control the actions of other people.

2 Responses to “the tent is now gone and the campsite is clean”

  1. Anonymous Says:

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  2. Nicole Says:

    Yes, the mic is on.

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