Petrified with anxiety; thinking about war strategies; can’t wait till my vacation so I can do this decon

11:29 AM 8/7/2013

Today, I am nearly frozen with incapacitating anxiety. This is drug-induced, but I don’t have time to do all the things I need to do to fix it. I need to go take a shower and put on clean clothes.

I’m eating at the Hair Food Restaurant and taking a risk by ordering a sandwich. I actually wondered if the hair was put in my food deliberately. I’ll just kind of… peek to make sure there’s nothing in there.

I could not get the iPod to charge. I think it needs a new battery. Apparently iPod batteries die forever when they’re just left alone to sit and do nothing for a year or two.

Anyway, I had several ideas for things I could do before going to work today, but just had this terror that ‘there wasn’t enough time,’ even though there really was a lot of time to do at least one of the small tasks. I ended up just putting the two books that I’d like to donate to the library into my backpack, and I hope I can get to town and donate them so I won’t have to carry them around all day and carry them home from work with me tonight.

I’m reading Jared Diamond talking about primitive (or ‘traditional’) societies and their wars, compared to modern warfare. He says that usually when a state takes over a traditional society and subjugates it, they end the ongoing warfare, and sometimes the people are grateful that the wars have ended. I *might possibly* have been able to agree with some of that…. except that now, in this modern world, someone has completely and permanently destroyed my soul in all the hours of my life with an electronic mind control system, so that I can’t even think a thought or enjoy a moment of life without being zapped, and yet I have done nothing to harm anyone and there is no reason why I should be spied on and murdered. So, every hour of my life is lived in a covert war, and I never even get as much peace and quiet as a primitive person would have had in the midst of an ongoing tribal war.

If I had been able to get the pemmican before my decon, I would have had a supply of food up there so I wouldn’t have to run down the mountain to eat before doing any work up there. That’s similar to something else JD said in his book. He said that with the modern military, they can do nothing but fight all day long, because someone else is giving them their food and supplies. But in a primitive tribe, the ‘soldiers’ are ordinary people who still ‘have jobs.’ They have to go back to work farming, hunting, and gathering, and nobody pays them to fight in their war. So there are limits to how much fighting they can do. And they lose whenever a modern military takes over.

I’m just thinking about what needs to be done to get rid of the government in Washington, DC, which will be even harder now that they’re putting up all these surveillance mind-control blimps and stuff. The DC government is one of the greatest evils on earth, but we don’t get to see how evil it is because all of the killings and genocides are done elsewhere on earth, with our money that they have taken from us. The DC government is an evil tribe, separate from us – not one of us, not part of us – that took over, against our will. We did not consent to put them there. They tricked us and betrayed us. Many people are still fooled, but a lot of people are not. Many people realize that the DC tribe is a ‘foreign entity’ that is not ‘us’ and is not working for our good. It does not serve us. But how do we get rid of the DC tribe when they have mind control weapons, nuclear bombs, chemical weapons, germs, infinite guns with infinite ammo, airplanes, helicopters, and so on? They also have access to all the brainwashing equipment: televisions, radios, and all the other media monopolies. So, they’re able to keep more people fooled and on their side, happily serving them and enabling them to murder and enslave more innocent people around the globe and here in the USA.

It’s hard to imagine a strategy for ending the rule of the DC government invading tribe.

I was reading the news about a recent terror threat alert, and they said something about ‘surgically implanted devices.’ Really? I’ve been talking about surgically implanted devices a lot lately, but not in the sense of using them as terror weapons. The voices in my head have been acting up more lately, since I’m doing a decon. Last night someone said, ‘If it rains, I will fucking kill you.’ I don’t think they were referring to me, I think they were referring to the person who was making it rain.

Another thing that the invading colonizers do when they suppress tribal warfare is, they take away all of their war shields – that was described in an incident in the book. They went in to the tribe, bought a pig, shot the pig with a gun to demonstrate how guns worked, shot anyone who tried to attack them, and took down all the shielding and fortifications in the towns that were at war with each other, so that they would have no defense if they started fighting again, and the fighting stopped.

Yippee, but that feels too close to home, as in, what’s been done to me personally. I have no defense now. They see right into my brain, and it would be suicidal for me to ever attack the mind-controllers, if I could even find out who they were and where they were located. (I don’t assume ‘it’s the government,’ because there are many different governments and powerful individuals and groups potentially capable of doing the things that I’m experiencing.)

I don’t normally blog about my thoughts of anarchy, because I don’t want to scare people and/or get myself arrested for treason. However, anytime I think about the future of humanity, I think about the parasitic governments that have suppressed and subjugated every living thing everywhere, and I wonder how anyone will ever live a free life again, ever, till the end of eternity, unless somebody does something to protect our brains against mind control.

Obviously, I’m not in a good mood today.

I have to go to work in a few hours. I still don’t know if I’ll get to the library to donate my books. That’s one task of the decon – get rid of those books. They’re good books and I still want them, but I try to keep as little as possible in a decon.

I’ve been bringing down bags of trash, one or two bags at a time, and putting them in my neighbor’s dumpster a little way down the road. Somebody suggested that I could put my trash there, and I actually asked the person and he said yes. So I don’t have to take it all the way to Sheetz now.

I just want to know what will happen to humanity in the future. And, how do members of government themselves avoid the mind control system? Doesn’t it make *them* miserable too? Apparently, it can be aimed at particular individuals and doesn’t just cover everything everywhere. I don’t know the methods that are being used against me, and that project is postponed. In the future I want to detect the attacks and find out where they’re coming from and deduce as much as I can about the sources. For that, I need expensive equipment. Or, I need to travel around and make observations of my experiences, noticing when it gets better or worse.

Again, I assume that not every member of the government even knows that mind control exists. They can’t *all* be keeping the secret. Lots of them don’t know, and they, like most other people, don’t notice the zaps and disruptions. They don’t know that you shouldn’t hear voices in your head while you’re praying to God, for instance. God isn’t supposed to talk back to you verbally, but they take that for granted as normal nowadays. God isn’t supposed to offer you specific advice or give you specific commands, but he does that nowadays.

Jared Diamond wrote ‘Guns, Germs, and Steel,’ (typo, haha, I wrote ‘Guns, Germans, and Steel’ at first), but I could write an equivalent book about how drugs have affected societies. The South Americans all chewed coca, a stimulant drug that is most likely the reason why they were so murderous, why they were always doing human sacrifices and stuff, and why they built huge ambitious projects like pyramids. Societies without stimulant drugs did not achieve as much, and might have had different patterns of warfare. I’d like to research it to find out exactly which societies used which drugs, and how it affected their behavior. I think tobacco and coffee and tea have had a huge impact on European society and everything it has done throughout history.

I might not get to the library today…. I’d have to ride the bus. I might just sit here and do nothing and just… fester in my terror for a while.

It’s so easy to incapacitate me, in so many ways. My life is so fragile and uncertain. I can end up going months without having any money or any energy to continue doing the decon. But the decon is the reason why I’m living this way, why everything is so difficult for me, why I don’t have the permanent infrastructures that I need to make my life easier, such as a motorized bike, or a stronger house made of wood or stone so that falling trees won’t crush it. I have to work five days a week, and focusing on work takes away all the time I would spend doing the decon. I’ll have only nine days to do it on my week off work.

The voices have been discussing… that person… with me. They’re telling me that he sincerely doesn’t want to be with me, and he wants me to stop emailing him forever. He’s hoping, supposedly, that this decon will change my behavior enough that I’ll be able to stop. But other puppeteers have tricked me enough to make me believe that he’s actually reading my emails and waiting eagerly to meet me, in spite of everything that he has ever said. It is very hard to stop myself from believing that. If I change my diet, stop drinking coffee, stop drinking milk and Coke and all stimulants, get rid of the drug residues, and do a couple other things, then it will greatly reduce my obsessive thoughts and feelings and moods. Will I still want to go meet him? I don’t know. I can’t predict what will happen. Will ‘they’ still be able to control me? Of course they can. The voices change when I’m drug-free, but they’re still there. They’re just generally less disturbing in a lot of ways if I’m drug-free, and it’s harder for them to make me do crazy things or risky things.

I have all of autumn yet to do the decon if I fail to finish it during this vacation. I feel like everything depends on this week. But it’s true, I’ll go back to work and be exhausted and anxious about time and won’t be able to do decon tasks before or after work every day. I’ll still be climbing the mountain and being exhausted, I still won’t have any food up there and will have to go down every day to eat, and every little thing I do will use up my energy and my time and my money, so that I will barely be able to do even the most trivial tasks of the decon. I’m really scared that I won’t get this done in time and then I will lose the next few months of my life and then it will be winter.

And winter lasts forever. Summer is only a brief week or two in the middle of the year, and then it’s winter again. Winter lasts at least six months here. Maybe seven or eight months. It starts in November and lasts until June. That’s what I experienced this year. If I recall, October was still barely tolerable for a while. November and December became ‘hit or miss’ – good days and bad days, days of freezing cold alternating with days where it was still warm enough to do some kind of outdoor tasks in the tent. Then the whole first half of this year was nothing but endless snowstorms and then endless rain and stationary fronts. I remember reading that the date when farmers in this region generally felt safe from frost was May 1st. Or maybe it was June 1st. I need to check again. Okay, yeah, it would be the beginning of May.

Usually, when it’s freezing, all I do is get out of bed, get on my bike, and go somewhere else. I don’t hang around in the tent when it’s cold. As long as I’m buried in my four ultra thick sleeping bags, I am fine even in the middle of winter when it’s in the single digits or below zero. But I cannot peek out of the sleeping bags or even sit up with my lower body in the bags and my arms out to do stuff like sorting through bags of my belongings.

But even when it’s above freezing, I still can’t do outdoor work for the next couple tens above freezing, such as in the forties and fifties. My fingers freeze and are painful, even though technically I don’t have ‘frostbite’ per se at those temperatures. (I’d really like to test a high fat diet and see if my fingers were still freezing at fifty degrees.)

Sleeping in my tent all winter long made me aware of just how unnecessary indoor heating is. If only you super-super-insulated your house, you would have moderate, tolerable temperatures even in the middle of winter. If you used geo-temperature-whatever – there’s a word for it, and it’s kind of like geothermal or geoenergy or something – you can get the temperature of the earth to come up into your building so that your temperatures were moderated all year long. You use something that conducts heat, like a big piece of metal buried deep into the ground. In the winter, that big piece of metal would be somewhere around fifty degrees, and it would still be about that temperature in the middle of summer. You can use that to air condition your house. I’ve read about it.

The only reason we absolutely have to have indoor heating is because of water pipes, which will freeze and burst and ruin everything. If the water pipes were kept separate from the rest of the house, then you could allow the whole house to freeze safely without harming the water pipes, which would be kept in one small section that was well insulated and/or heated.

I *did* sleep in my tent for most of the winter. It was actually *late* winter when I started going to the hotel over and over again, and it wasn’t because it was ‘too cold’ outside. I slept in my tent even when it was in the single digits. The main reason I slept in the hotel was because I was getting sick over and over again and feeling so miserable that I couldn’t bear to ride my bike all the way home from McDonald’s every night. If I could have ridden home easily and painlessly on a motorized bike, then I might have been able to avoid going to the hotel as often, although there still would have been nights when I would have been tempted to take a hot bath.

I need infrastructure that will give me a hot bath in the woods on Nittany Mountain, and don’t tell me that it can’t be done. It *can* be done, I just need to either buy something or build something that will be either more expensive, more time-consuming to build and maintain, or more at risk of being discovered and destroyed by the property owners of Nittany Mountain (the government, and a couple conservancy organizations). I could get solar panels. I could build fires in a special fire pit where it would be less likely to start a forest fire. I don’t want to chop down trees or make a clearing. I could use batteries. There are springs coming out of the mountain that I could use for bath water. Or I could collect rain water in a reservoir.

All of those things could be discovered, and someone might want me to take them down. All my infrastructure is at risk because I am a squatter and my belongings are not protected. My only protection is the fact that hardly anybody ever walks off the edge of the trail. Hundreds of people go hiking there, but they stay on the trail. I am only a short way off the trail, just far enough that you can’t really see my tent, and far enough that people won’t go wandering through the trailless woods to get to me. If you wander off the path, you will go through spiderwebs, bees’ nests, and other things that I myself have dealt with. They’re really not as bad as people might imagine, although… the bees’ nests were *horrible* last year, and almost nonexistent this year, due to the extremely long cold winter and endless snow and rain.

If you wander off the path while hiking on other mountains, however, like Tussey Mountain, you will walk through rhododendron bushes, which might kill you. I haven’t tried shoving my way through a field of rhododendrons yet. The poison goes directly through your skin and causes a heart attack. Whitetail deer aren’t affected by mountain laurel poison, and they might not be affected by rhododendrons either.

Yeah, I’m not going to the library today. I’m going to sit here and chill and then go to McD. Oh well, I’m carrying a couple heavy books in my backpack and will have to drag them back up the mountain when I go home tonight.

I guess I am impatient for my vacation to start. I am terrified and incapacitated with anxiety. I want to get this done. I have sorted out the stuff in my tent, but I’m still nowhere near ready. I have to do a lot more miscellaneous things, and I’m unclear about what exactly I have to do and what order to do it in. In a decon, it matters what order you do things in. After a certain point, you can’t go back, and must move forward, and you will either contaminate the new area, or cleanly escape from the residues, depending on how well planned the decon protocol is and how well you follow it. You have to touch this and not touch that and don’t walk here and walk here and so on.

Fortunately, the drug residue levels are much lower than they used to be, and so a few small mistakes will not completely destroy my life. But in the past when I was trying to get out of the ephedra pollution, even a couple tiny fingerprints could ruin an entire apartment full of expensive belongings. A decon had to be done perfectly – and I never did one perfectly.

And I believe that my dad’s extremely high blood pressure, and also my ex-boyfriend Peter’s high blood pressure and some kidney problems, were triggered by their coming into my contaminated apartment. I had a combination of ephedra, tobacco, and St. John’s Wort, along with a couple other herbs, and that combination causes extremely high blood pressure, which was one of the symptoms I was having. I also had Borax dust all over the floor, because I had attempted to use it to destroy the ephedra, and it failed, but it poisoned me and gave me kidney problems temporarily. Yes, both Peter and my dad already had high blood pressure, but they both had incidents that were severe enough to make them go to the doctor and get blood pressure meds, after having been in my contaminated apartment.

Anyway, my decons nowadays are nowhere near as horrible as the ones I did in the past, and those ones always failed. I would always end up with new footprints on the floor of any new apartment I moved into, partly because *other people* would enter my apartment without following the rules, such as the maintenance man at the Bellefonte apartment. I had to keep my shoes outside and take them off before entering the house, but the maintenance man would walk across my contaminated area in front of the door and just go up the steps, tracking invisible footprints of residue into the house, which I would then react to when I stepped on the carpet. That’s why I can’t live in a house, for the time being. It’s impossible to remove drug residues from carpets.

It’s nowhere near that bad now. I’m mostly the only person up here, although animals are walking over my contaminated areas. The contaminated areas gradually get buried under the autumn leaves every year. I can move away from them if I need to. I have much more control over it here. I’m just afraid that they will make Steve a puppet and he will come up there looking for me. We have each other’s email now, although I didn’t send him a reply. We just tested that the email was working, and it was, and I didn’t answer. So, I could email him and warn him about my decon if I had to.

Steve is the EII guy who I said was irresistible and every time I encountered him in town I would end up going to his hotel room, although I’ve stopped doing that now, and I’m setting up stronger boundaries and just hugging him. I was always upset when I would encounter him, trying not to go be with him, and always reacting severely to his tobacco. One day a few months ago, I let him come to the tent with me, so he knows where it is. If he came looking for me, he would walk in all the wrong places and break the rules, and I strongly dislike enforcing the rules on other people. I don’t want to have to explain that you have to walk here and here but not here, and you have to take off your shoes before going inside, and this area is ‘holy ground’ that shall not be contaminated by unclean mortals such as yourself. I don’t like to do that.

I’m strongly affected by songs when I’m on drugs. I’m hearing ‘Peace Train’ playing on the radio above me right now. It’s acoustic. There is this painful, aching sadness and longing in it, this begging, for the peace train to come and take us all home. It’s embarrassing for me to talk about a ‘train’ because I only recently found out that ‘riding the train’ is a euphemism for having sex, and I have always been naive about these things. But I am thinking of a non-sexual train as the peace train, although I’m sure a lot of people think that it makes perfect sense to interpret it as the sex train, too, as in ‘make love not war.’

It also made me think of the train song in Harry Potter, which was strangely moving. It was in ‘The Deathly Hallows.’ Hermione and Harry were alone without Ron, and they danced to the radio. This only happened in the movie, not the book. The song seemed to be about the Jewish Holocaust and people who were hiding from someone who was coming into their homes to take them to the prison camps, or at least, that’s how I interpreted the song. Nick Cage* (edit, oops, *CAVE, not Cage). I need to go look it up. I can’t remember it when there’s so much noise around me right now. Okay, it’s called ‘O Children.’

I’m going to post this and maybe read for a while instead of writing. But I’m still terrified, and my anxiety has not been eased. I just want to start my vacation so I can focus every ounce of my energy on finishing this soil decon.

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