I had a terror attack yesterday, which was probably caused by a stomach virus; I sorted through just a few small things in the tent

8:17 PM 8/5/2013

I didn’t get a lot done, but I did get one small thing done today. I sorted through one particular bag that was in my tent. And in that bag, I found a rotten sandwich wrapped in foil which had come from Sheetz and which had been there since probably January or so, I’m guessing. That’s where the smell was coming from. Every night while lying in bed, if I would lie in a certain position with my head facing towards some of the bags, there was this horrible smell, and I didn’t know what it was. I thought it was from the urine that had accidentally gotten down on the floor, but that was in a different area. This smell just never seemed to go away no matter what, and it was always in a certain area towards the top of the tent.  (Darn, I was wrong, the smell was still there overnight last night.)

How did I get a rotten sandwich wrapped in a bag for eight or nine months? I had dumped out the contents of my backpack into a plastic bag and then wrapped it up to protect it against rainwater. There were a few things in there that were worth protecting, such as my Dell recovery disks for my netbook. But there was also random garbage in there, such as the sandwich. I was trying to solve the mystery of this bag and I remembered cleaning out my backpack, and that was how that had happened. I had bought a sandwich and apparently had felt sick or something and wasn’t able to finish eating it, and I wrapped it up and put it in my backpack, maybe expecting to eat more of it a few minutes later, but I never did, and it got squashed deep into the bottom of the backpack, and then it got dumped out into this plastic bag, which has been sitting at the upper part of my tent all summer long producing a horrible odor. Mystery solved! That’s a decon for you.

In this bag I found some things from the Freethought Meetup group. I found a little flyer describing the winter solstice and why we celebrate it. The solstices and the seasons are much, much more important to me now than they ever were in the past. I am paying very close attention to what the weather is doing, what the sun is doing, and how long the days are. That’s because I’m living outdoors and riding my bike, exposed to the weather, and because I want to do some cleanup work in the tent. When it’s bitter cold and freezing, I can’t do any work in the tent. I can only do one thing: crawl into my multiple sleeping bags and curl up until I produce enough heat and then go to sleep. I cannot sit there with my arms and hands out of the sleeping bag doing some task in the tent when it’s below freezing. I can’t even do it when it’s just above freezing, like in the forties and fifties. So I am very aware of the weather. And now that I am camping amongst the trees, I notice more things, like when the nuts are falling off the trees – they make a lot of noises. That only happens during a particular time of year.

I’ve been having a panic attack this evening. I was trying to sort through more bags, but the sun started going down. And I was having some difficulties and uncertainties which would require more thought and more planning. I’m affected badly by the drug residues right now, too, and I’ve had a lot of caffeine today. Those things contribute to my panic attacks.

I became emotional at the sight of a Christmas card from my mother. She didn’t say much on it, just something like ‘Love, Mom and Dad’ at the bottom, and I have been throwing away those cards instead of keeping them, because of the decon, because I cannot keep anything made of paper, which is easily contaminated. But it made me miss her. I’m worried about her because of her injury. Still, I did throw away the card, along with other papers.

I was very glad to discover the horrible smelling rotten sandwich in the bag and I got rid of it. It’s outside now. Some skunk will probably want to rip open the trash bag to get to it. If skunks like rotten fermented sandwiches that have been there for eight months, then, whatever floats their boat. That’s similar to the type of thing that the skunk was going after when it ripped into my other trash bags in the past. It was a McDonald’s breakfast sandwich that had been sitting in a bag for months and was all dried out. I thought that no animal would ever want to eat that, but apparently they do. If they’re able to smell it, they want to at least try to eat it. But I imagine these poor skunks must be dying of food poisoning afterwards.

I hung up that meat on little cotton strings. I folded each little strip of meat over the string. That’s similar to an image I saw online somewhere else where somebody was drying meat in the Arctic. That’s what inspired me to do it that way. That’s how you pick up these things. Isn’t it interesting, all I did was see an image online and my brain permanently remembered it and now I know of a way to do something that nobody ever taught me how to do. And we can learn so much by seeing different ways of doing something. If somebody else had some other simple method of drying meat, then I’d see an image of that and remember it forever and know how to do it when it came time to do it.

The meats have gotten pretty dry now. They felt sort of clammy and gummy yesterday, but now they feel much harder and stiffer. That’s how they’re supposed to feel. They’re supposed to dry so much that they are rock hard. You won’t be able to chew them without breaking a tooth. That’s why you have to pulverize them by crushing them with rocks, so they become like a powder. I read on one source that you can dry the meat for ‘a fortnight,’ and it becomes black and rock hard and impermeable to decay or insects.

I knew I was having an anxiety attack tonight when I started doing something irrational. I was using black trash bags. I have black ones and white ones. Usually, if it’s in a white bag, that’s a signal that it’s something I’m keeping, rather than trash. If I’m throwing it away it’s usually in a black trash bag. That’s not always true – if it’s just small light trash, like food wrappers, I have a white bag that I put it in, and I eventually would throw that white bag into the Sheetz dumpster. I chose white bags for that so it would match with the clear or white bags they already use at Sheetz, so it won’t be so noticeable that I’m opening up their dumpster and putting in my own bags, which might be something I’m not allowed to do. I have to open a gate in order to reach the dumpster, which signals that I’m not allowed to go there. So I want my bags to be less visible, so I use the white ones. But for a decon, when I’m throwing away lots of big heavy stuff and stuff that takes up a lot of space, I use black bags, and I sometimes get someone to help me take those bags away. I may indeed want to get help with that.

Anyway, I ran out (*edit: I ran out *OF* black bags!!! Why am I skipping words??? This is SO ANNOYING! I keep noticing that I’m skipping small words while I write, little words like ‘of’ or ‘the.’ It’s been happening a lot lately, and I catch it on reread.*) black bags while I was sorting through some garbage in the tent. I put a reminder on my phone to get more black bags tomorrow morning. Then, I started sorting through what looked like a pile of trash. But it was actually a whole bunch of empty white trash bags that I had just piled up loose at the bottom of the tent. I started throwing those empty white bags into the black garbage bag as though they were garbage, rather than keeping them to use as garbage bags. I had put them there intending to use them, but I was just throwing them away now. I realized I was doing something irrational because I was panicking, and then I also remembered that I had a bunch of black trash bags in the other tent which I had found while moving stuff out of my storage tent. So I already have more black bags up here on the mountain, and also I had all those empty white trash bags that I was, for some reason, throwing away. I was just blindly stuffing them into the garbage merely because they had been lying out on the floor.

So I stopped myself from doing this, and I pulled out all those white bags that were still perfectly good to use for trash, and I put them all into one other bag to keep them together, and I will use them for garbage tomorrow. ‘You don’t have to use black bags,’ I told myself. I knew I was being irrational and doing something that made no sense and that I was having a panic attack.

I got very little done today. I just did some things to ease my anxiety, like going to McDonald’s, charging up my cell phone, eating food and drinking soda and coffee, and then going home. I bought a sandwich at McDonald’s, but felt disgusted with it and didn’t want to eat it, so I thought I might be sick. I only took a few bites of it. But on the way home, I decided to stop at Giant, because I still felt hungry. I wanted to get something from the salad bar. I walked through the produce department, looking around for the salad bar, confused, not finding it anywhere, and was disappointed. I decided that they must take down the salad bar after a certain hour in the afternoon when people were no longer shopping there for lunch. Then I happened to see that the salad bar was right over there, where it always was, and the voices in my head affectionately said ‘there it is, you retard,’ and made ‘herp-de-derp’ noises and retard faces at me, which made me smirk (because I’m on drug residues and I smirk easily). So I went over and got a bunch of stuff off the salad bar, and I got some Starbucks frappuccino bottles, and a couple of chocolate bars.

Then I went outside and went all the way to the back of the parking lot near the railroad tracks, almost behind the building, because I wanted to sit and eat in a private place where a lot of cars wouldn’t be driving by or people watching me. The clouds were starting to fill the sky, and there was a breeze, and I was anxious to get home to guard my open tent against the rain. I *never* leave my tent open when I go out. I only left it open to help the meat dry, and it worked – the meat did dry out a lot today. It went from ‘gummy’ to ‘mostly hard.’

I had thought I was too sick to eat, but actually, I just didn’t want McDonald’s food. I wolfed down the salad bar foods like there was no tomorrow. I love having a lot of variety and bright colors. I just got a jumble of lots of random stuff, like that imitation crab stuff, and seafood salad, and cooked beets chopped into little cubes, and feta cheese, and eggs, and broccoli, and dozens of other things, just one scoop each, all mixed together in a big pile. I had a few leafy greens in there too.

Then I went home and climbed the hill to my tent. I laid down and read a book for a while, ‘The World Until Yesterday,’ by Jared Diamond. It’s kind of hard to read that book, actually, even though it’s written by my socionic dual. Some parts of it are dragging. I had a hard time reading the chapter about how disputes are resolved. I don’t enjoy reading the parts where he’s talking about modern governments and the modern legal systems and what they do. This is a demonstration of the socionic model: the IEE actually *uses* all its mental ring functions, including the superego functions (-Se/+Si, +Ti/-Te, in Bukalov’s Model B – did I ever mention that I found out my model that I’ve been talking about all this time is Bukalov’s Model B?), and talks about them. I just don’t enjoy hearing about those superego functions very much. That superego represents ‘government’ to me. IEEs actually talk about government and its institutions, and they submit to them and comply with them in ways that I don’t, because of my type. They’re more likely to become a university professor, to submit to the rules of the university, to fit in to the group, to conform to the academic world, to accept the existence of government even though they don’t really like it, and to talk about it and its institutions verbally. That’s the whole mental ring being used, all of its functions. I’m saying this because when I was on the forum, there were some people who took the view that we don’t actually *use* the superego functions, or you can’t really see them, or they’re just a symbolic placeholder to show the things that we dislike, or something. But no, I see IEEs and EIIs talking and behaving in ways that show their superegos, and I can see them and hear them talking about it.

Similarly, I myself talk about ‘evil people,’ which might possibly be my 4th function, +Fe/-Fi. I group together all doctors as evil, for instance, even though individual doctors might be good people. I just talk about ‘all doctors’ as a group. But if I had +Fi in my mental ring, then I would be referring to individual doctors by name, and talking about the accomplishments of this or that particular doctor. (Actually, I sometimes do talk about particular people, when I’m ranting about a favorite author or something.)

This book is very educational to me though. It’s changing my perspective in some ways. It’s also helping me develop my concept of what exactly the Anaya tribe will be.

Hmm… this is not good. I feel like I’m gonna vomit sometime tonight. I just had diarrhea badly. I did say that I felt sick earlier and didn’t want to eat my sandwich. That would explain why I’m having an anxiety attack. Vomit viruses do that to me. Yeah, I really do feel like I’m gonna vomit. I don’t know exactly when it will happen. It could be the parasites finally kicking in, or maybe I do just have a virus. Maybe it’s because I opened up that bag that had the sandwich in it. But no, I don’t think so – I was feeling sick earlier today. I hope it’s not the parasites. If the vomiting and diarrhea are persistent for many days, I’ll know that’s what it is. I think I might take a break from writing. That explains why I’m having such a terror attack. I could have used too much caffeine, too, after having withdrawn from it and not being used to it, and suddenly using a bunch of it again. Wow, I’m having that feeling – yeah, this is bad. I *am* probably gonna puke tonight. Not good.

10:30 PM 8/5/2013

Well, I didn’t puke yet. I did the Roger Callahan’s Thought Field Therapy (TFT) technique, or Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), the free ripoff version. I don’t do a formal method, I just informally tap whichever points I feel like tapping. At the very worst, this method is merely a harmless and ineffective placebo – no harm done, you merely tap on particular parts of your body with your fingers – no drugs, no injections, no poisons, no side effects, nothing. In the middle range, it might possibly be as effective as other types of physical touch that are known to be comforting and soothing, such as hugs, massages, sex, or a hot bath. At best, it is as effective as its proponents claim it is, and they make some extravagant claims of miracles. I have used it in moments of terror and it works for me. I used it to comfort myself when I felt like I was going to vomit, and within a few seconds, my body relaxed and the vomiting feeling went away. Now my stomach and intestines are all calmed down, although I still feel that something is wrong in there. Next time I have diarrhea, I will feel sick again, I know.

Hmm, I have cold sores on the inside of my lip. I probably have a virus, then.

I was going to mention the crickets. The crickets, or whatever they are – they’re something, maybe not as high pitched as crickets. I know crickets are very high pitched and different from this. These are more like cicadas or something. Rhythmic buzzing, usually high up in the trees, all night long in the summer. Zip-zip-zip-zip… zip-zip-zip… zip-zip-zip-zip…. all night long. The entire forest is full of them. They take turns zipping and pausing. You can hear whole groups zipping almost simultaneously and pausing, and then another whole group responds from a different location. One group over here, the other group over there, taking turns, in a rhythm that goes on and on and on.

The other night, a cold front was about to go through. Just before this cold front, there was a huge, terrifying wave of *something*. I don’t know what it was. It might have been the air pressure dropping suddenly and drastically (or maybe rising?), or it might have been an electromagnetic field, or maybe even a wave of infrasound. I felt this wave of *something* that went over the whole forest and the whole mountain all at once. I’ve felt similar sensations during thunderstorms. It was huge and terrifying. My instinctive response was, ‘oh my god I’ve got to get out of here!’ I had the feeling that I urgently needed to go someplace safe right away.

When this wave went through, *all the crickets silenced at once*. They were all zipping and zipping and zipping constantly, and this wave of terror swept over us all, and… TOTAL SILENCE.

Tonight I felt a few similar waves, but milder. There is another cold front that will be coming through, and we’ll be getting thunderstorms tomorrow. These waves were smaller, but I could feel them and hear them affecting the cicadas. The rhythm of the cicadas was affected. One group would zip, but then, when it was the other group’s turn to respond, they would hesitate, and the rhythm would flop. It’s a giant symphony. And the one group of players messed it up. They were supposed to jump in at that moment, but they weren’t there. And then the next group would seem to pause and be confused for a second. But then they would start zipping again. The interruptions and disruptions were milder and briefer and less dramatic than they were in the incident the other night. But I could feel the waves of terror flooding over us, just much milder, and I could hear the crickets as they felt them too.

I alternate between calling them crickets and cicadas. I don’t know what they are.

I’m still sick, I just temporarily soothed myself with the Callahan techniques. I can tell that there will be more problems later when I have diarrhea again. The cold sores make me feel hopeful that this is only a virus and it will go away soon. A coworker told me she wasn’t feeling well the other day. Maybe it is a virus.

The reason why I don’t want it to be caused by the parasites is because that might last longer and be harder to cure. But, again, I’ve had parasites in the past, and they always went away on their own. I got them from eating rare steak, undercooked fish fillets, raw milk, an undercooked earthworm, and sushi. I only ate a couple tiny nibbles of this raw meat, this time.

12:46 PM 8/6/2013

I’m not as sick today. I think I might have had a virus, I’m hoping.

I just sort of realized this morning that it’s not going to be as bad as I was thinking it’s going to be. I was working on a previous decon attempt last fall, and it was *late* last fall, I forget exactly when. But that tells me that I actually have a few more months before it becomes too cold to do work in the tent. I will get a lot done during this vacation, and even if for any reason I fail, I will still have some months in which it’s possible to do outdoor work. I was afraid that this was my very last opportunity before the winter. But it’s not too late and I still have time.

I’m going to look at the radar and see if we’re getting a thunderstorm today and how long it might last.

The people at the Lemont Cafe (you know, the place with hair in the food) are really cool hippie types. They might even be Betas (socionically), I don’t know, or other types, not necessarily Deltas, but even so, they’re cool. These people are talking about someone having too much of a ‘capitalist business model’ for their small business, and other things that sound interesting. Funny how much I’ve mellowed out about Ayn Rand. I can actually listen to people complaining about a capitalist business model, and I can actually see grains of truth in it, a *lot* of grains of truth.

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