I’m still working on this, trying to decide my instinctual type.  After a conversation on the phone with Peter, they urged me to call myself sx/so instead of sx/sp.  It was because he likes to use sexual symbolism, and I don’t, and I find sexual symbolism to be annoying and irritating.  I only do it if I feel pressured to do it, to please the other person, but it’s not natural to me.  The sx/sp is supposedly one that enjoys, or tends to use, sexual symbols.  The particular symbol was ‘sucking on a lollipop.’  I get impatient with using symbols to refer to sexual acts.


I also remember having a lot of forced-hypnosis nightmares where they use symbols to refer to sexual acts, and then they force me awake, and then they remind me about the dream while I’m lying there half-awake, to explain to me that symbols were used in the dream, and to explain what the symbols meant, and then they force me to feel angry about it, even though I am physically incapable of feeling angry on my own, because I’m in a half-asleep hypnotized state where I can’t question anything or defend myself.


I watched Twilight – New Moon, without having read any of the books, and without seeing the first movie either.  I decided Bella is sx/sp.  She’s interested in bonding with ONE person, and she strongly values feeling part of a family.  Themes of family bonds are in that movie.


She also has the ‘extreme sports’ behavior that they said will happen with sx/sp.  It’s not limited to just that type, though, because I loved skiing and if I had infinite money, I’d do more sports (although my old bones might be developing osteoporosis, because of a variety of factors, such as the drug contamination, which are bad for my health).


Another theme was ‘my lover will physically protect me.’  I can understand that, but it wasn’t a big issue for me.  I don’t really like ‘big muscles’ type guys and I never really fantasized much about being rescued or protected by the guy.  Instead, I am more focused on whether the guy respects my intelligence, my competence, my knowledge, my decision-making (social respect) because most of the time in my life I feel as though nobody takes me seriously (Nicole couldn’t possibly know anything about medicine – she’s not a doctor – I’ll only listen to the doctor’s advice and I’ll dismiss everything that Nicole says I should/shouldn’t be doing.  She has these crazy, delusional ideas that she got off the internet.).  It’s more important to me that the guy sees me as somebody socially respected – not socially inferior – not somebody to dismiss and ignore all of my radical ideas and things I found on the internet.  ‘Take me seriously’ is the issue, instead of ‘protect me from physical danger.’


For the sx/so, my feeling is more like, ‘All of society needs to be drastically changed.’  To solve every problem, no matter how trivial, you have to ***CHANGE THE ENTIRE WORLD!!!!!***  This is like reading Ayn Rand’s objectivist books, or like the feminist belief system, or environmentalism.  Radical ideas, with ‘-ism’ at the end, are what sx/so’s are interested in.


Here, in my mid-thirties, when I want to start a family, and I want to avoid getting a divorce, and I want to have children before I lose the opportunity forever – I now have to teach myself to accept family values, when this didn’t come naturally to me.  Family values – marry one person, and only one person, and stay with them forever – trust that person not to beat you up and abuse you, not to trap you financially and make you dependent, not to be boring and unattractive and sexually unsatisfying – I have to think about all of those things.  I am asking questions about polyfidelity – can it be possible, or desirable, to be bonded for a long time with more than one person?  Is there a real need to do that, or does it mean that your relationship has something wrong with it, something missing, which you are trying to find someplace else?  Why would my husband ‘pay me to stay home’ if I were having sexual relationships with more than one person?  What is he paying for, if not monogamy?  Why would one person have to pay, and another person doesn’t?  Because that’s what you’re doing, when you marry someone and make her a housewife.  She’s receiving food and shelter, which is money in the form of barter.


(With farming, the work is done at home, and so I agree with the Amish that the farm lifestyle is ideal for families.  The husband doesn’t go away – he stays home to do his work.  The children can be with their father and their mother both, all day long, while the farm work is done.  Children are legally allowed to work on the farm, whereas the child labor laws forbid them to work anyplace else (solution… you guessed it, ‘change society,’ change the rules, it shouldn’t be illegal for children to work).)


And the person also has to be willing to ‘pay me to stay home.’  Because it’s usually illegal or socially unacceptable or just a rule in a particular corporation, we’re not allowed to carry our infant babies to work and breastfeed them in the workplace while we do our job.  (To fix this problem, we have to ***CHANGE ALL OF SOCIETY!!!***)  It shouldn’t be illegal, against company policy, or socially unacceptable to bring your baby to work and breastfeed it in the workplace.  This type of belief is more like an sx/so, because it’s focused on problems with the social system, with the large-scale social environment.  I’m just trying to pinpoint which type I am and I haven’t yet gone on a forum and asked other people for their opinions.


So anyhow, as I’ve been trying to figure out my instinctual type, I decided that the ‘change society’ attitude probably means I’m an sx/so.
I haven’t talked much about this for a while, but ‘they’ have encouraged me to create a new religion, and I accepted this as something I would agree to do.  It can’t be done instantly, and it is more like a life mission, something that will take a long time.  My religion REQUIRES breastfeeding, and to not breastfeed is against the religion.  It is an explicit rule.  You must find a wet nurse if for any reason you cannot breastfeed.  So I have to plan a way that I will be able to do this, and either work on the farm, or get paid to stay home, or break rules, or find a corporation that will allow me to literally carry my baby around with me all day.  This is something I have to plan out before I can marry someone – he has to agree to it.


I just keep thinking, I wouldn’t want to do that if I were a man.  I’ve read Warren Farrell.  Because of that, I try to see things from the man’s point of view.  He becomes a slave, especially if he hates his job.  I can understand how it feels to hate your job, because I’ve never really loved any job that I ever worked at, except I sincerely enjoy McDonald’s, especially College Avenue during a football game, when it’s total insanity that goes on for hours and hours.  Working at College Avenue McDonald’s during a football game weekend is an extreme sport.


And I bonded with the people there and I don’t want to leave them.  Not only that, but on the last night when I expected to work there, my own store asked me to stay instead of going to College Avenue, so I unexpectedly didn’t get to go to College Avenue, so I didn’t say goodbye to anybody, and I just didn’t show up.  That sucked.  So then I went there a few days ago to pick up some Angus buns for our store because we ran out of them, and I had to see the people again, the familiar faces, and I saw grief and pain and sadness.  I don’t want to separate from these people.  They liked me and I liked them.


But football season is over and I have no excuse to go work at that store.  I would have to deliberately ask for a special arrangement to just go work there for the heck of it, or transfer there and disconnect from all  the people I’ve bonded with at my OWN store, which I also don’t want to do.  To ‘Have it all,’ to stay connected with all the people I know at all the different McDonald’s, would mean that I would have to work at the Nittany Mall, North Atherton, Hills, and College Avenue, because they are scattered to all of those places.


But anyway, about being a financial slave, paying your wife to stay home and watch soap operas – I know about that because of Warren Farrell.  So in order to avoid a bad marriage, I need to plan out what kind of arrangement my husband would be willing, and happy, to do.  I would like to earn money somehow myself while being married, so it would have to be a home business, or whatever.


I don’t have time now to get into it, because I’m on the library computer and I’m running out of time.  I drank coffee a while ago, and haven’t eaten, and I know from past experience that if I do that, it causes me to write blogs that go on for hours and hours and hours, because writing is a substitute for eating, for taking care of myself.  Talking too much usually means that you have some kind of physical problem, like drug use, drug withdrawal (usually tobacco), hunger, low blood sugar, or a ‘chemical problem’ – artificial flavors, salicylates, etc – like the Feingold diet talks about.  Tobacco in particular I’m familiar with, because over the years I’ve known so many people who either smoke or chew tobacco, and I’ve seen how their tobacco ups and downs, their uses and withdrawals, affect their moods and behavior.


I’m sure I’ll think of more stuff I didn’t get to write.  And I haven’t even done all the other things I need to do on the internet and I won’t have time.  More later then.

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