anorexic for about six weeks now

this is just like last winter. i am getting the stomach flu over and over again almost every week. i don’t have my scale – it’s packed in storage somewhere – but i think i have lost ten or fifteen pounds. my ribs and my hipbones are visible through the skin, and i can fit into pants that were originally too small.

i might soon be able to have my computer at my house again and get online there, which means i will be getting online more often. there is still herbal residue all over most of my belongings, and when i go through the stuff in storage, i have a drug reaction, and i do things which i call ‘drug-facilitated externally controlled behaviors.’ or something like that. it’s not just ‘drug-induced behaviors,’ because what’s really happening is the drugs make me more easily controlled and i do whatever ‘they’ make me do. not having a computer in the house, and not unpacking any of my belongings, was protecting me against doing things online that i didn’t want to do, such as trying over and over again to contact a particular person.

one good thing that’s been going on is that i am finally finishing up the schaum’s outline of bookkeeping and accounting. i am at almost the last chapter now. technically, it’s the last chapter, but i’m also going to do the exercises in the appendix too, so that’s like one more chapter.

i decided a couple years ago that i would study bookkeeping because it would be important for me to know if i wanted to start my own business.

‘they’ have continued paying attention to ichazo’s three instincts: self-preservation, social, and sexual. they decided i am probably not sp/sx, but instead i am sx/sp. the primary motive for that type, according to the ‘info from the underground’ page, (if you type in that url, you get an error – you have to google that url instead) anyway, according to that page, the primary motive for the sx/sp is ‘to form a secure union.’

avoiding insecure unions, and forming a secure one, has indeed been a central theme that i have noticed over these years. when i get laid off from jobs, most of the pain is from being separated from the people i got to know, and not so much because i had to take lower income jobs (although that was a problem too). the thing that bothers me most about unstable jobs is that i keep losing people over and over again after bonding with them. and i hate employee turnover at these low-wage jobs, and it bothers me a lot whenever new people get hired and then quit or get fired a few weeks later.

there’s a lot more to it but i have limited time because i’m at the library.

‘attracted to radical ideas’ is another attribute of the sx-first group, and that fits me.

i was also going to comment about my dreadlocks. they don’t look as good as they look on someone who has thicker hair. my hair is so thin that there aren’t many locks, and there are big spaces between them. but i’m getting attached to having dreadlocks, anyway. i want to see whether they really will allow my hair to grow beyond ‘classic length,’ hip length, which is where it finally stopped growing.

dreadlocks start at the roots. i never knew how they started. i had the idea that they would start at the ends, and you would have to manually keep doing something to make the roots lock up. but you don’t have to do anything. i stopped washing with shampoo, and the grease causes the hair to tangle together. i gave up on trying to comb it, and it started to form dreadlocks, but only at the roots. the ends are still loose, and i could comb them if i wanted to. they only have a few tangles. so almost all of my hair is still loose, with only a few inches of locks developing at the roots.

it reminds me of the matted dog hair on crystal, our old samoyed we used to have. i combed out some of those mats and it took a long time but it could be done. if i combed out my mats, there would be a huge amount of loose hair that would disconnect while i was combing it. hair disconnects at the roots and starts over again, which is why it only reaches a certain length and then stops. the locks prevent the disconnected hairs from falling off. so according to that theory, my hair should grow longer than its maximum length.

i have seen one guy who has, like, one big dreadlock on his head. he’s someone who i see around town, who might be homeless, i don’t know. i am wondering if my hair will gradually become all one single large mat, because the mats tend to interconnect with each other. i don’t think i will really like it if that happens, but i can always fix it if i want to. so i am starting with lots of small strings and small mats which are gradually connecting into larger ones.

i haven’t gotten into the box of papers in storage, but i just requested a password change so i could get back into my blogs again.

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