this morning

i am having a bad morning, and also a good morning. it’s good because i got the apartment in bellefonte that i wanted. i wasn’t ready to live in my car. several areas in the car are contaminated, and so it would be hard to sleep there; and also, i didn’t know yet where i would be able to take a real shower, which again, is very important when you are touching and being contaminated with chemicals and residues. it wouldn’t be so important if it weren’t for that.

i’ve been getting death threats all week, and also voices that are crying and acting upset, because i am moving to bellefonte. i have an angry reaction to this: gee, you make it sound like you won’t be able to follow me there! following me to bellefonte is a mere inconvenience for them, but they are acting like they will never see me again. i already know that they will attack me in bellefonte; it will just be different in how it’s done, and maybe the particular people ‘pushing the buttons’ on the computers and the equipment will be different people, but it will happen. i already know that.

there’s only one group of people who are physically not able to follow me everywhere, and that is the people who are in jail. ‘voices of prisoners’ is a theme that has recurred many times throughout my attacks over the years. they sometimes try to convince me that all the voices i’m talking to are actually men in prison, literally in prison (not metaphorically).

i have compassion for the people in prison and i am aware of prison-related issues. it is something that is on my list of social problems that i want to ‘fix’ but don’t have the resources yet. it is on my list of things that a religion needs to take some responsibility for, among all the other charities.

there is a small minority of people who are severely messed up – the sadistic serial killers and people like that – while the majority of prisoners are only slightly violent, or violent in particular situations, or violent temporarily because they were on drugs, or people who weren’t ever violent and are in jail for petty reasons. occasionally people have physical diseases that cause violent behavior, like the adrenal gland tumors that affected the hatfield-mccoy feud.

i have never tried to work with prisoners, or criminals, or people who were violent, in real life. however, i know about ADHD and the feingold diet, which is very important to know about. some people are constantly restless and uncomfortable because they are reacting to foods and chemicals (i was on the feingold diet myself, and i still use a very informal version of it).

lately i have even been thinking about contact lens solution, and how it might contain thimerosal (mercury), which would affect someone’s mood constantly. i think it could cause constant, neverending, unavoidable anxiety and an insecurity feeling. i wanted to look up how to make your own nontoxic contact lens solution. i’m sure it can be done. i would avoid borax – i recall seeing somewhere that borax could be used as eye wash, or something, something having to do with the chemical boron – it might not be borax, it might be some other form of boron – and i am opposed to that – i want nothing more to do with boron or borax, ever, after i had experiences with it while trying to clean my laundry. borax is toxic. so if there’s anything saying you should use borax or something boron-related for eye wash or contact lenses, don’t do that. i would use something totally harmless, maybe vinegar or something – again, i have to research it.

if you constantly have a mood or feeling that won’t go away, and it’s uncomfortable, chances are you are having a problem with some kind of chemical. a lot of people think that their bad mood or bad feeling is ‘who they are,’ when in fact, it’s a physical illness or response to a chemical. i need to know more about things like illnesses caused by viruses, because some of the studies about autism and ADHD have noticed a connection between vaccine viruses, and problems in the intestines, and the body and immune system overall, so viruses can also affect you constantly and make you sick and in a bad mood.

i really do feel different with my one metallic dental filling removed. granted, i now have problems resulting from the plastic fillings (sore breasts, and i am afraid also that it will affect my pancreas – i am going to remove my fillings soon). but things have changed since i removed the metal one. it’s not just mercury, it’s also copper and the other metals that are bad for you, and they are in the dental fillings.

well, what else…?

death threats, people making a big fuss because i’m moving, voices teling me not to leave, voices telling me to stay here. i’m not even going very far, just a little way down the road to the next town. it’s inconvenient, i agree. but it’s not far. yet i have been getting voices bothering me about it all week. i wouldn’t have wanted to move out of town, but it’s important for me to help with peter much more.

i’ve been annoyed because, once again, about the stupidity and the unnaturalness of many of the things that ‘they’ have been trying to force me to do. i’ve been interested in starting an intentional community for many years now. but in the past year or so, some new people got involved, and they wanted to make it into this big thing which is very different from what i originally intended. ‘they’ had this fantasy that i was going to be made into some big, famous, popular, wealthy prostitute, making millions of dollars and starting my community by ‘rewarding’ community members with sex, and that kind of thing.

also, once they found out how much i value long hair and natural grooming – no makeup, no eyebrow plucking, etc – on both men and women, they decided that i was supposed to start my community by asking lots of people to do that, in exchange for sex. i have argued, over and over and over again, that it is not intended to be blatantly sexual. it is a type of beauty that i want to see, in a social, communal way, on everybody, but it isn’t something that instantly causes sexual arousal or anything like that – it isn’t necessarily connected with sex or sexiness. i agree with someone that i glanced at, on wikipedia, the other day, which said that there is a distinction between physical attractiveness and sexual attractiveness. a person can be physically attractive, without necessarily being sexual. requiring all of the ‘core’ community members (there are different degrees of community membership – people begin as just guests, or temporaries, or newbies, and aren’t required to do as much) to follow a rule for their physical appearance serves a purpose – it makes me more able to enjoy looking at all of the people around me, without constantly being bored or disgusted or frustrated by the way they look.

the amish, and other religions, do this. my rules are slightly different from theirs, because they make strong distinctions between men and women, while i require both the men and the women to do the same thing with their hair, although they might style it differently, i don’t know.

and i don’t have a plan for the clothing yet. for the clothing, some of the rationale is that it prevents people from competing against each other to get the most expensive, popular clothes and make themselves look better than the other people, while wasting lots of money on clothes and jewelry, something that isn’t really good for you. the other thing it prevents is sloppy or gaudy clothing, clothes that are so bad you’d be better off without them, except that the law requires you to cover certain parts of your body in public.

what else….?

i was continuing to express anger at them for expecting me to do unnatural things. large amounts of shallow social interactions are not my style. they tried to force me to become more sociable, and start networking with people. but if i spend all my time chatting and talking in a shallow way, without purpose, without an overall goal, it just wastes time, and i should be DOING something useful. i have things that i want to get done which require somebody actually working on some kind of a project. for instance, if i am cooperating with others on a project, i would want to do projects to try to design and build a shield that will block out mind control and electronic harassment, so that i (and anybody) can temporarily go into a private place for solitude, to rest and to think. you can’t carry a shield with you all day long as you walk out in public, but it makes you feel better to know that the shielded place exists and that when you go home, you can return to that. it means you can rest, for the first time in years.

and they’re all smug about this, because they think ‘we’ve discovered what her instinctual stacking is, therefore we can now control her even better.’ yippee for you, you know that i’m definitely not a ‘sexual/social’ stacking. they wanted me to behave like an sx/so instinctual stacking, making lots of friends and ’embodying a social movement’ and making me into some big, famous, rock star persona, when i am actually a much more private and withdrawn person, not so interested in being famous. i don’t want to be ‘famous,’ per se, but i do want to be accessible if fellow sufferers are searching for help. they think that i am an sx/sp (sexual/self-pres), but they’re still arguing about it, and on some days, they think i’m an sp/so, or an sp/sx, and the argument hasn’t resolved yet. meanwhile, i am just interested in trying to understand *what* the instincts *are* and how they manifest at any given time. which instinct are you using at some particular moment. i am now fascinated with instincts in humans, and the concept of instincts, and what exactly *is* an instinct.

people believed that animals were born knowing how to do everything. but that’s not true, because if you raise them in captivity, they are very weak and much more helpless and less successful than the other animals, if you release them into the wild. they didn’t grow up automatically, innately knowing everything and being able to do everything they need, if you raise them in a zoo, and then open the door and let them run out into the woods. (but if that were literal, a real zoo animal, it would probably be one of the large cats that had its claws removed, or some other physical handicap, so it wouldn’t be the same as if it were wild.)

‘instincts’ are skills that you can learn to use. they are not necessarily pre-programmed into your brain. you can improve, or weaken, an instinctual skill. an instinct might more vaguely be described as a feeling or desire, or the awareness of some kind of need.

i am also thinking about how there are more than just the three general instincts that ichazo and the enneagram people focus on (social, sexual, self-preservation). for instance, the ‘nurturing’ or ‘maternal’ instinct, and the protective instincts – those are directed outward towards others, so it’s not really accurate to call it ‘self-preservation.’ they categorized all of that in ‘self-preservation,’ i think, and said that it includes everything family-oriented. sometimes, an animal must choose between self-preservation, versus protecting its children. sometimes animals abandon their children in an emergency, choosing self-preservation and letting the children die. and i am not judging that, i just mean that there are situations where that is the appropriate choice to make. other times, animals choose to nurture and protect the children, even though it puts a great burden on themselves, or endangers themselves.

anyway, that was just questioning whether maybe the parental (nurturing, protective) instincts might be separate from the other three. and nurturing/protective figures are important in the enneagram – all of the enneagram types are described by their relationships to the nurturing and protective figures.

therefore, i wondered if maybe *other* instincts might have been overlooked or forgotten by the enneagram, since i’ve been reading it so much, i have a tendency to remember, and to easily think of, all of the instincts that they’ve already been mentioning all this time. it was easy to recall and think of ‘the nurturing instinct’ and ‘the protective instinct’ because it fits into the existing paradigm already. so i was interested in reading some other author who writes merely about instincts, and nothing but instincts, outside of the enneagram paradigm, so that i would get a more detailed list of all the instincts we know of, and could get a more general focus, instincts in general, and get a definition of what instincts *are* in all animals and humans. humans are no different – they are a special, amazing, complex, wonderful animal, who can do some things that other animals cannot do, but we are still merely an animal.

how general must an instinct be to be significant or important enough to focus on? some instincts might be things that only have a temporary use, but don’t matter much in our daily lives. other instincts are being used and triggered constantly, every day of our lives, and they are very important in our personalities and behavior.

and again, they are *not* entirely preprogrammed from birth. some of it is learned behavior.

anyway… the instincts have been the focus lately, because of the types of things ‘they’ want to force me to do, and how i complain that those things are unnatural for me and that i cannot do those things, and don’t want to – in fact, i think it would be counterproductive to the goals i want to accomplish. they want me to do huge, extreme things, to be big and famous and rich, to be a prostitute, to entertain everybody by talking about sex, writing about sex, and actually having sex with lots of people, and getting paid to do it – that was the ‘big plan’ they had for me over most of the past year.

‘force doesn’t work.’ harry browne and the other libertarians said it again and again. you try to force people to do things, and all you do is waste their energy on unnatural, unsustainable activities when they could be doing other things more efficiently if they could just be who they are. force makes people inefficient. it causes a strain and a burden. it disturbs and disrupts their functioning.

if i gained anything, or learned anything, or tried something new, or changed my behavior, as a result of ‘them’ and the voices, it would have been possible to do that same thing through a face-to-face, real-world relationship, in an ordinary conversation, instead of by using technology to put voices in my head and hypnotize me. if i ever agree to anything, it means i could have been persuaded to try it through a real world relationship instead of technological force.

…what else?

the war with martin? i don’t have anything else to add about that. everything i’ve said in the past is still the same, still applicable. there are ‘people’ who are ‘associated’ with him somehow, ‘perps’ who are connected with him, which doesn’t necessarily mean that he *is* one or that he knows anything about them or is responsible for them in any way… in our one long phone conversation, he told me stories about his life, and he said that years ago, they had strange neighbors who lived near them, and there were these cars driving around the neighborhood, and the strange neighbors were stealing things from him, like his skateboard. in other words, i got the impression that he lived in an area that was being targetted or harassed. he also became interested in wesley willis, a musician who claimed he was being attacked with electronic weapons.

after i met martin, i experienced a major attack lasting for many weeks, and i ‘met’ a bunch of ‘new people’ who wanted me to do things. i do not know what is the relationship between martin and those people, for they could be attacking him just as they attack me, and i could view him as a fellow sufferer, not an attacker. i view everybody this way: we were born into an existing system that affects us all and controls us all; we are all puppets. i do not know how to place blame or responsibility for anything on any particular person, because i don’t think people are entirely responsible for their own actions or choices anymore.

so when i get voices fighting over the question ‘is martin a “perp”?’ i really don’t know how to answer that, and i don’t even understand what the question is asking. is he responsible for his own actions and choices? not entirely – we are all puppets. do i see him walking around inside a shielded uniform? no, therefore he is constantly vulnerable to external controls, like everyone else. did he invent, and build, the systems and technologies that exist now? no – he’s only, what, 22 years old, going on 23. the weapons and systems existed long before he was born.

i usually view martin as a fellow sufferer, a slave being bought and sold, like i am.

i don’t know how to say who is responsible for what, and what needs to be done about it, in order to solve problems in society, and stop the crimes, and the torture, and the suffering, and the wasting of human life, and the disruption and destruction of the self, and the mind, and the soul, and the ability to focus on a thought or feeling without being interruptd. somebody needs to be stopped – somebody is attacking people, and something needs to be done about it. but it isn’t all that useful to just blame the lowest-level ‘perps’ who aren’t responsible for the whole system and all the money behind it, and all of its culture, and all of its belief system – the belief that it’s good, and necessary, and okay, to treat people like this, to enslave everyone and to fear everybody as potential ‘terrorists.’

the problem is a large culture, a large community of people who are all supporting each other and encouraging each other, and teaching a belief system. how do you fix that? i don’t know. make a counterculture? that’s all i know how to do. build the culture the way i believe it ought to be.

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