Why I don’t eat canned food; the IEE Twin Series; the look of distrust in someone’s eyes; and other stuff.

I have coffee-induced hyperphasia.

I think it must be the weather, but all of a sudden, I feel better than usual today. For some reason, I woke up feeling stronger than usual and more willing to get up out of bed. The weather is beautiful – it’s warm, although I can’t see how warm it is by reading the thermometer hanging in my car, because it’s warmer in here than it is outside, as I just had the heater on while driving.

Last night, ‘they’ gave me an impulse to go to a particular grocery store and buy a couple of canned food items. I had read someplace recently, probably in Weston Price, that whenever some soldiers used to get their rations, they got corned beef and sauerkraut, or something like that, and how that was actually a pretty good diet. That’s the way that I like to eat. For some reason, I’m not really interested in starchy foods. I don’t like potatoes, and I don’t like bread, and so I almost never go seeking out either one of those things on purpose. I just eat them ‘incidentally,’ along with whatever I’m eating, because they’re usually included, but if I can exchange the french fries for some vegetables, I will, like at Long John Silver’s. French fries are almost always totally disgusting to me and I can barely choke them down. But I enjoy a meal that includes nothing but meat and vegetables, and probably some fruit, although I will often get cravings for something else later, and since I haven’t been cooking for myself for a long time now, I haven’t been able to thoroughly observe and understand and troubleshoot the cravings, but I would if I were cooking my own food. Cravings are a bad sign, a sign that you have done something wrong. You needed something and didn’t get it. However, they are also a sign that you have been exposed to drug residues, such as tobacco residue.

Anyway, so I got corned beef and cabbage. I had been picturing myself taking grocery store canned food on a long distance hike. One reason why I hesitate to go on a long hike, even after being inspired by Rick, is that I think the food would be terrible. At this time in my life, I don’t believe in eating grain – I don’t believe it’s good for you – and I would like to eat a lot of high-fat meats, especially during something as energetic as a long-distance hike, and even more so if it were cold outside and my body needed to produce heat. I thought corned beef and cabbage would be a possible thing to take on a hike.

So I ate most of it last night before bed, but I couldn’t eat an entire can of corned beef. I ate a good bit of it over several periods, but not all in one sitting. I didn’t have any bags of ice. In my car, I had originally set up a cooler and I was intending to get bags of ice whenever I needed to refrigerate foods overnight, but it turned out that the cooler was in a bad location which is very hard to reach, and also, it turned out that just putting foods on ice didn’t keep them cold enough – there had to be water mixed with the ice, which made it more of a nuisance than just buying ice alone. Then, for some unknown and unexplainable reason, the food tasted funny, as though some chemical had leached into it, even though I had it inside of ziploc bags while it was in the ice. I think it is indeed possible for ‘odors,’ quote unquote, to leach through ziploc bags. I’ve heard of it happening. Odors, obviously, are a chemical, and so, there must be other unknown chemical substances that can leach through ziploc bags. (Also, with my drug residue contamination experiences, I discovered that plastic often doesn’t protect objects against contamination – the drug residues often go right through plastic, which is why I usually got cardboard to put all over the floor in the apartment.)

So the food tasted weird after sitting in the cooler, and it also didn’t stay cold without water being mixed in with the ice, and also the cooler was so hard to reach that I was strongly discouraged from using it. So I’m not even trying to get to the cooler anymore.

And as a result, I just abandoned the little bit of leftover corned beef, reluctantly. Buying some canned food at the grocery store was an experiment suggested by ‘them,’ anyway. I don’t like to waste any meat. Wasting plant products is one thing, but wasting animal products is much worse, because the animals suffered. Plants suffer when we kill them, too, but they suffer in a strange, alien way that we are unable to empathize with, so we tell ourselves that the plants aren’t suffering. You would have to redefine what it means to ‘feel pain,’ because I’m aware that plants don’t have ‘nervous systems’ the same way that we do, although they do have a surprising amount of electrical activity in them (and I can’t remember where I read that, so don’t quote me, I could be wrong). We might not understand how plants feel pain, but they do possess life, and most people agree about that.

Anyway…

After eating the grocery store canned corned beef and cabbage, I started to ‘feel stupid.’ I felt this sensation of being unwilling to think, unwilling to expend the effort, as though there were some kind of barrier in my brain, some kind of mental fatigue.

The stupid head feeling, in the past, has been caused by several different things. Once, it was caused by the bisphenol-A exposure after I got my new plastic dental fillings, the composite resin ones. Other times, it’s caused by foods that have substances identified by the Feingold Diet as substances that some people are sensitive to. I didn’t know exactly which it was, last night. It could have been the chemical preservatives, or flavorings, or something. Or it could have been BPA that leached out of the epoxy resin lining of the cans. I’ll have to google that and see if ‘epoxy resin’ is the right description. (Oh, darn it, I also have to fix ‘Romans’ versus ‘Greeks’ with regard to the statue. Last night I started hearing voices telling me that I said Romans when I meant to say Greeks, and I agreed, it was wrong. – Okay, fixed.) Yes, ‘epoxy resin’ is correct, and there is controversy over the amount of BPA that they leach out. It bothers me that whenever I read about BPA controversies, the mainstream sources never mention anything about dental fillings, but dental fillings, in my experience, are the *worst*, and not only that, but the BPA never stops leaching out, although the levels decrease. I am still aware of BPA coming out of my fillings now even though I got them in 2008 or so. It interacts with St. John’s Wort somehow in my body, so that whenever I’ve been exposed to SJW, I now have specific symptoms, such as painful breasts, which only began occurring after the dental fillings were put in, and which are not caused merely by SJW alone, but only in combination, through some unknown process (either a chemical process in the body, or else a mechanical process such as bruxism of the teeth, teeth clenching caused by SJW, which might cause more BPA to leach out).

Anyway, so I had the stupid head feeling, and it was quite severe. Not only that, but when I woke up this morning, several places in my abdomen were in agonizing and unbearable pain. When this happens, I have to drink clear water. I know that from experience. Intestinal pain, which is not necessarily from gas, can come from other things, such as drinking pear juice. I learned that the hard way several years ago while doing a more official version of the Feingold Diet. They recommended pear juice because it has lower salicylates than other juices, but they didn’t mention that it causes extremely severe intestinal pain. If you drink clear water, however, the pain will quickly go away in only a minute or two. I don’t know the reasons why. Back then when I was drinking the pear juice, I actually went home sick from work several times because of the intolerable, unbearable intestinal pain, which I did not yet know how to fix. I was simply helpless with unbearable pain and could not work. I don’t know the technical term for it, but it causes some kind of water absorption imbalance. Don’t quote me on that either.

It is highly probable that infant ‘colic,’ which, as far as I know, only happens to babies who are forced to drink formula instead of breast milk, is the same as that intolerable intestinal pain that I myself have felt, and that infant colic might possibly be quickly and easily solved, in exactly the same way, by giving the infant some clear, plain water to drink.  And you should never, ever force them to drink infant formula in the first place.  It is absolutely horrible, and I would say downright evil, although not intentionally so.  It is evil through ignorance.  It is ignorance, with terrible consequences.  And whenever you try to explain this to people who produce and sell infant formula, they go into denial and they try to protect themselves, protect their livelihood, protect their conscience, and even though infant formula ought to be pulled from the shelves and never sold to anyone ever again, it continues to be sold.  And if something has a weakness, then people defend it all the more fiercely, as it is vulnerable and needs to be protected, if they believe that it has even a tiny fragment of value in it alongside the weaknesses, and so, people deny that infant formula is as harmful as it is.  The same sort of defensiveness shows up in people who defend vaccines.  They believe that vaccines still do have a tiny shred of usefulness, and so, they protect vaccines all the more strongly, because they’ve seen that vaccines really do have major weaknesses, and it’s hard to defend something when it has a major weakness, but you desire to defend it whenever you believe it has a shred of value.  People believe that infant formulas have a tiny bit of usefulness, too.

So I drank water, and the pain quickly disappeared. However, all of that experience reminded me that yes, commercially prepared canned food really is bad for you. That’s in addition to the fact that it gets cooked so much and processed so much that it loses a large amount of nutrients.

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I tortured myself again yesterday looking at other web pages where Rick has been, but which he did not create himself. I read new things which I had never read before, which always causes an emotional reaction, but I read them again this morning, and became more familiar with them, and the emotional response was less intense.

Right now I am using Rick as a motivator, and to a lesser extent, his wife also. I read both of their pages and I feel this envy, this jealousy, this feeling that I wish my life hadn’t had so many disasters, this awareness that I am impossibly far behind and I can never catch up with them, that I never finished college, that I’m working at a fast food job, that I am the victim of a crime, that nothing in my life has gone the way I would want it to, that I cannot simply enjoy doing things that have no immediate purpose, that I cannot ‘have fun’ in any way, that every little thing that I try to do is a big huge deal, that I can barely function.

Rick will never care about any of the things that I’m doing. I’ve wanted to live in my car for over a decade now, ever since I first started realizing how hard it is to pay the rent, and ever since I first read about other people living in their cars and in recreational vehicles, full-time. I’ve also talked about living in a ‘squatter shack’ of some kind for a very long time now, probably all the way back in my MySpace blog, if I recall correctly. I’m finally doing some of those things, and I would wish that Rick would see this and understand how much it matters to me. He goes hiking and camping, and he is able to question the modern lifestyle, and he would understand why these things matter so much to me. But he is not going to be communicating with me, he will not be a friend or an acquaintance of any kind, he won’t be a boyfriend, he won’t be a sperm donor or the father of my children, he won’t be connected to me in any way, and I cannot get feedback from him about all these things that matter to me.

The only way that I get anything from him at all is by reading material that he has written on the web, and it makes me have emotional reactions and a desire to keep doing what I’m doing, to continue, to go through with it. It motivates me. It is painful and unsatisfying to ‘interact’ with him in that way, but right now, that’s all that I have.

I am not sure when or how I will disconnect from him and connect to somebody else instead. I feel uncomfortable at the thought of having a relationship with somebody else. I’ve seen several members of the Rick Twin Series – socionics has observed that people of the same type often look alike, and even though Rick himself doesn’t like that type of ‘visual identification’ based on physical characteristics, since, yeah, it is often used very badly, but even so, it is indeed true that people of the same type often look so much alike that they could be brothers. You can look at someone, and say ‘Oh my gosh, you look exactly like someone else who used to be my boyfriend/husband/best friend, whatever,’ and it turns out that they have the same personality type and the same willingness to be your friend, the same type of relationship with you. It’s usually the eyes where I’m seeing it, but I really am seeing the rest of the face being shaped the same way, too. There is an unusually short face, although Rick has a very high forehead (and is also very intelligent). I can’t describe how exactly the face seems ‘short,’ because I don’t have the measurements. Weston Price actually took real measurements of the faces, and the deformities. He could have described better than I can about which facial feature is which distance from which other facial feature, with respect to all the rest of the facial features.

The point is that Rick has socionic twins, they are easily recognizable – sometimes hilariously so – they look like a hilarious parody of him, a distorted but recognizable image, a mockery, laughable – and they are indeed the same type, IEE, which I discover after only a few sentences of talking with them. There is one of them working at Barnes & Noble, and he has this white colored beard patch on his chin, while the rest of the beard on his cheeks is brown, and I like the white whiskers. I have always liked gray hair and salt-and-pepper hair on men, and yes, when I was young I was dating men who were 20 years older than I was. There is another twin working at the bicycle shop, and I attempted to start buying my bike yesterday, which was going to be the next story that I was going to tell. I interacted with him the last time I was there not too long ago, and he said things which only an IEE could say. Bookstores and bicycles shops, places an IEE would love. I will always take note of where they were when I found them, so that I can more easily look for them in the future. It doesn’t help me much to just have a ‘general idea’ of things that IEEs might like. It helps greatly if I have specific examples of places where they are working.

Anyway. I had given away my old bike for free, a couple months ago, while going through the storage unit. I gave it away because it was contaminated and because I was shutting down the storage unit. When I brought it to the bike shop and told the guy I was giving it away, he said, kindly, that yes, they would be able to fix it up and ‘give it some love’ and find it a new owner. The bike was a living thing that needed love, which was how I felt about it. If it hadn’t been contaminated, I would have kept it. Afterwards I worried about whether the guy had washed his hands after touching the bike, but there are some things that I just cannot control, some things which I cannot bear to try to explain to people, about the drug residues. There are some far-reaching consequences that I cannot keep to myself. I’ve had many contamination accidents that I know must have affected other people, for instance, when I was trying to use the laundromat to wash contaminated laundry, which was a disastrous failure. Everyone using the washers and dryers afterwards would have been contaminated…. and there are limits to all the things that I can control or fix. So I had to just not worry about the bike shop guy washing his hands after touching the bike.

The guy then said some things (during the first visit when I gave him my old bike) which were obviously forced puppet phrases, but which only an IEE would agree to say. It’s harder to force people to say things that are completely out of character for them, things which are completely meaningless or completely irrelevant. It’s easier to force them to say things that they might otherwise have said on their own. He said some things which were very specific and spot-on, as though he knew *exactly* what I was doing and why I was doing it, which is why I concluded that he was a puppet.

He was doing reflective conversation, what’s the word for it, where you empathize with someone, try to understand their point of view, try to put into words what emotions they’re feeling, emotional reflection. If you tell a therapist something, the therapist will say ‘So you did this because you were feeling XYZ and you wanted to accomplish ABC,’ and you respond by saying, ‘No, it wasn’t quite for that reason, it was mostly because of JKL,’ and so on, and that is how the conversation goes. Reflective listening or something. During that first conversation, the bike guy was doing that, and he said very specific words. He said ‘So this is kind of a “cleansing” thing,’ and a few sentences later ‘you’re “purifying.” yourself’ (or something very similar to that). The words ‘cleansing and purifying’ are very specifically, exactly, what I am doing, but most people would not have known that those words had any connection whatsoever to my situation, to a reason why someone would be getting rid of a bicycle. I hadn’t explained anything about cleaning up after drug residues, and I hadn’t mentioned anything about chemical sensitivity or the need to clean things, so he was getting these words out of thin air. I just said ‘It’s a really long story,’ in a sad, weary, exhausted tone of voice, the voice of someone who has suffered greatly for a very long time, the voice of endurance.

So I happened to have had the conversation with the Rick Bike Twin, but not the Rick Book Twin. I’ve never said anything to him other than ‘Do you know where they moved the Twilight books?’ while feeling ashamed about my lowbrow literary tastes.

Anyway, yesterday when I went in to buy the bike, or rather, to browse and see what the prices were, which ended up in an actual purchase – when I went in, the place was surprisingly busy. Several people were in there, holding their bikes, bringing the bikes into the store, which always seems strange to me, as I’m not accustomed to seeing people bringing their own used, muddy bikes into a store, which would usually be forbidden, but since it’s the bike store, they do it. I was self-conscious around them all. Some of the guys were kind of cute.

I am no longer confident about my physical appearance nowadays, for a variety of reasons, and I’m not going to go into all that right at the moment. It isn’t because I’m ‘old,’ quote unquote, because I know that I don’t look old – it’s mostly because of the dreadlocks, and also because of my mustache, although in the past I haven’t been nearly as self-conscious about that as I am nowadays. I chose those things for a reason, and I am keeping them, but I am aware that they do not necessarily ‘look good.’

So I felt insecure around a bunch of guys who were talking loudly, and there were nothing but guys in there. I haven’t bathed, some of my clothes are dirty, I was kneeling down in the woods and I got dirt all over my knees, and some of my clothes smell bad right now. I was not feeling confident around a big group of attractive young guys.

When I walked in, I looked straight into the eyes of the nice guy who I had talked to last time I was there. I felt hopeful that I would get to talk to him again this time, but he was helping the big group of guys.

A different salesman came and talked to me. I hadn’t been planning to buy something right then… but at the same time, I knew that I would definitely be buying something soon, and I said so, to the salesman. So he talked to me, and I didn’t feel as though he was an IEE. He was something which I felt slightly uncomfortable with. He was knowledgeable about bikes, and I felt a desire to show him that I was intelligent – he mentioned that a large wheel can go over a bump more easily than a small wheel, and I said, ‘Yeah, I can sort of understand that,’ while making a gesture with my hands to show a bike wheel going over a bump. He said ‘The angle of attack is better.’

Sometimes whenever I myself feel a desire to ‘show somebody that I am intelligent,’ it’s actually, in reality, the *other* person who has a desire to show me that they’re intelligent, and I’m getting my own feelings confused with theirs. I call this ‘I’m rubber, you’re glue, whatever I’m feeling originally came from you,’ and I’ve mentioned this phenomenon several times in my blog. I usually don’t feel many emotions at all, and so, whenever I do feel some kind of emotion, while interacting with somebody in a conversation, I can safely assume that the emotion came from the other person, and not from myself. But a ‘desire to show that I’m intelligent’ is probably a feeling that I myself am capable of feeling on my own, too.

Several times while I was talking to this other salesman guy, I saw the expression of distrust at the corners of his eyes. He was being nice and friendly, the way a salesman must be to everybody, but there was a feeling of strain, or anxiety, or discomfort, as though maybe he disliked me underneath the salesman friendliness, or distrusted me. My mom gave me the distrustful eye corners also, when I visited WV, at a moment when she disliked the way that I smelled, because, she has told me, she associates the smell of body odor with the guy who raped her a long time ago, and she rarely encounters that smell, as we live in a culture where everybody wears this toxic, poisonous substance under their arms, which goes through their skin and adds to their body’s load of chemical pollution. So mom feels distrust and fear and other negative emotions when she smells body odor, which is why she gets so upset about the fact that I haven’t worn deodorant for a couple decades now (although I went through a period where I was wearing something from the Tom’s of Maine company). I stopped wearing it during the same time period when Rachael and I began our experiment of quitting shaving, which was in the early to mid-1990s.

Anyway, I saw that look in Mom’s eye, and in the eye of this salesman, although it wasn’t as extreme. I also saw it in the eye of the actor who played Martin on ‘The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo’ at the moment when he says ‘Come in and have a drink’ to whats-his-face, the main character guy, the author, Miguel (spelling?), at the very end of the movie. Sometimes people have the ‘distrustful look’ in their eyes whenever they themselves are doing something untrustworthy. That actor was a very good actor, at that moment. He had found the author lurking around his house, and so he had good reason to feel intensely distrustful, and he made a very realistic and believable eye expression. He was feeling distrustful, and he was also about to do something untrustworthy in retaliation – if nobody minds me giving spoilers about the movie.

It is a sort of narrowing or wrinkling of the outside corner of the eye, in a particular shape which is different from the wrinkles of laughter.

It’s strange, sometimes I can read expressions on people at McDonald’s, and elsewhere, even if their backs are turned to me and I can’t see their faces. There is some kind of shoulder posture that radiates humiliation, and I see this over and over again in male ESI personality types. I don’t know if I can see it because they are my socionic beneficiary? The reason I say that is because I recently talked to an LII – a puppet, most likely, because he approached me and we had an unusual conversation a day or two after I wrote in my blog about ‘Extremely Loud And Incredibly Close’ and about how I had loved the LII boy in that movie. Anyway, while talking to this LII, I sometimes ‘felt stupid’ or ‘felt inferior,’ and I would try to explain something, but feel like he didn’t really value my explanation. Now that I know about socionic elements, I can say that he felt superior in his thinking ability, but he valued my sensing. Because the relationship is asymmetrical, the benefactor can feel superior to the beneficiary without really being aware of it. Sometimes they laugh at you, and it hurts, and they don’t know they’re hurting you. I sometimes accidentally laugh when an ESI says something, or I don’t take them seriously enough whenever they really are being serious with me.

Like for instance, an ESI lady at McD said something – I was getting a cup of coffee, and she said ‘Don’t take my coffee,’ and I thought she was joking, and I laughed, and she kept telling me not to take it, and after a minute, it finally sank in that she wasn’t joking, and she explained to me that she was out of the bags of coffee and needed more of them, and she couldn’t make any more coffee and needed it to give to the customers. I walked away and I found her a new bag of coffee and I gave it to her, to be helpful, and she had thought we were completely out of them, but I had just seen somebody carrying a new box of coffee bags up the stairs, so I knew we had some in the store and I knew it was right under the counter.

The point of that was that I could often read ‘humiliation’ in male ESIs, and I wondered if I were able to see that because I was aware of the asymmetrical socionic relationship, the signals that someone might feel ‘inferior’ to me in some way. I don’t like to say that they *actually are* inferior, and it’s interesting, those relationships go in a circle, all the way around. A is inferior to B, who is inferior to C, who is inferior to D, who is inferior to A. ‘They,’ the voices, suggested to me that it was like an M.C. Escher drawing of an infinite staircase, which goes around and around, seeming to go lower and lower, but circling around to the beginning. However, anyway, oddly enough, I am able to read this ‘humiliated’ emotion in ESIs even during moments when they are reacting to people other than myself. I am not the only person who triggers that emotion in them, and so, I believe that humiliation might be an emotion which ESIs somehow feel more often, or express and radiate more clearly, than other people, for some unknown reason. For whatever reason, that particular emotion is clearly visible on them, and it is a frequent and recurring emotion which can be triggered by very small things.
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Anyway… where was I? This was the guy who used the word ‘hyperphasia,’ the LII at the library. He told me that he had just been drinking coffee, which caused him to babble a lot, and he was talking spontaneously to me while we were sitting alone in one of the rooms in the library, a place where I had to go because other people were already using all the other plug outlets. The conversation was kind of enjoyable, and also kind of an anxiety-provoking strain, both at once. He was clearly an LII, able to see the essence of which belief systems I was talking about, and able to give it a name, put it in a category, and explain the reasons why it was Something-ism instead of Something-Else-ism, and able to describe the nuances of the distinctions between those two belief systems. I seem to encounter LIIs at the library more often than I expected – I thought they were pretty rare. But I don’t encounter people (males especially) who are clearly, obviously IEEs or EIIs anywhere near often enough, and I haven’t had any recent conversations with any of them.

Anyway, the point of that entire rant was: I have seen several IEEs who are part of the Rick Twin Series, which does exist, and socionics visual identification is real, and I’ve interacted with them and verified that yes, they are IEEs. But even so, I don’t like the idea of forming relationships with them. (The bookstore guy, I once saw walking out with someone who seemed to be a girlfriend, so I’m not going to try anything with him. I have no knowledge about the bike store guy’s relationships.) I just feel a barrier to intimacy, whenever I try to imagine myself forming a new relationship with a different person, in the local area.

I have to post this, because I’ve sat here a long time, and my battery is running out. Anyway, I don’t feel able to start up a real relationship, even though I am able to find occasional male IEEs, and I’m not sure what to do about that yet, but I’m going to just keep doing what I’m doing, focusing on moving out of my car, getting a bike, getting rid of the car – I need to make another payment before I can actually take the bike home and use it, so that project isn’t done yet – I just put it on layaway. I’ll just keep doing what I’m doing, for now, and then decide later what to do about the barrier to relationships.