Sorry, this is one of those time periods when I have to do the near-constant blogging phenomenon. I just went to the store and bought some baby food. It actually does not contain a bunch of synthetic vitamins. I edited the previous post.
The supposed LII guy said hello to me at the library. ‘They’ suggested that he might be just another SLI, and not an LII, and that I could have made a mistake. I don’t need another hyperphasic SLI in my life! One hyperphasic SLI (myself) is enough.
I am still affected by drug residues, and I’m still living in my car, and I am still at risk of the too-intense, too-clingy, too-desperate, too-creepy behavior. When this guy came up to me, I felt affection and had a desire to hug him again. I hugged him the last time, after our first conversation, whenever we said goodbye and went our separate ways. I don’t want to over-hug someone who I don’t know very well, because I don’t know whether he thinks I’m gross or not. I was sitting at a table out in the main area when he saw me today, and this was the second time I’ve seen him, and so I never hugged him today, and in fact, I sort of almost shooed him away, because I had just been on the verge of getting up and leaving and going to go eat something (which probably indicates there was a puppet incident going on, an attack: if something happens when you are ‘right on the verge of doing something,’ that means they were giving you a forced urge, at that moment, and then they forced somebody else to do something to you that would cause you to decide one way or the other what you are about to do, and do it.) Anyway, so I told him I was just about to leave. Last time we talked, he told me that he had difficulty with social transitions, and I assume he means things like, the moment when two people decide that they are going to separate from each other, and that kind of thing. Last time, I had told him I was about to see a movie at 7:00, but he kept talking and talking and not looking at the clock, and I actually left AT 7:00 and was late (which didn’t matter, because it was Dragon Tattoo, which I had already seen so many times I’ve lost count), and, during that time, I chose to accept this, because sometimes socializing is more important than going and seeing a movie alone. So, today, whenever he didn’t seem to know how to stop, I had to actually say ‘byebye,’ in a childlike voice, while strongly desiring to hug him again. And then I got up to leave, finally, as I had been just about to.
So I might hug him sometime again if the location is better, or if the ‘angle of attack’ is better – today, he approached me from the front, and stood with my desk between me and him. I don’t want to stand up and then move towards him to hug him, while carrying my netbook and its cords in the other arm. That was how I hugged him last time, a shallow one-armed hug, while holding a netbook and cords in the other arm, (this is amusing, I describe a hug as ‘shallow,’ which is different from a ‘deep and penetrating’ hug, which is not meant in a sexual way, but rather, a hug where you touch most of your body against the other person and have time to slowly absorb the hug, instead of quickly leaving.)
Yes, I was, in fact, handling something contaminated earlier today – I removed some cardboard from the floor, and felt myself having a reaction immediately afterwards, and I tried to wash my hands, but it was one of those stupid automatic faucets where the water temperature could be described as ‘lukecold,’ and the water won’t stay on very long, nor does it come out at a very large volume, but instead is just a thin, low-pressure spray. I hate those faucets. I used to not care about washing my hands, but now, because of drug residues, and because I’m taking baths in the sinks in public restrooms, I now am extremely annoyed about lukecold water-saving automatic faucets, which I have always hated, but which I hate even more intensely now.
Anyway, as long as I’m in the car, I’m at great risk of over-intense emotions and clinginess, which is why I did the exact opposite of what I wanted to do – I shooed him away after talking for only a couple minutes, and I escaped without hugging him or even attempting to hug him. His eyes are brown and very, very beautiful. I love to look at them. I don’t need a crush on a cute LII-SLI-mistyped guy with hyperphasia and an unknown psychiatric disorder (which he confessed to me during our first talk, but I don’t know what it is). I don’t know what kind of drugs he’s on. He has to be on drugs, if he has a disorder, and if he has hyperphasia and is vulnerable to forced puppet speech and puppet behavior.
If you hug someone who is the same type as you, you can feel a sensation of sickness, of nausea, the feeling of sexual arousal and incest. It feels wrong, but you feel the need to touch somebody anyhow. It’s not easy to get a good conversation flow that goes on and on forever, with someone who is the same type, which is why I want to avoid having a relationship with an identical, unless I have an IEE somewhere to interact with also – and I may have mistyped him, he might really be a SLI instead of an LII, and now I feel uncertain. I hate being vulnerable to this need for relationships, at the same time that I am trying to transition out of my car and get away from the constant, recurring drug residue contaminations that are inevitable as long as I’m using my car. I have to wait a few more weeks to finish buying my bicycle.
I’m typing this on the QuickPress, so I might have made some huge paragraphs without noticing them. I’ve also probably forgotten to finish some of my tangents.
So, the anti-hugging behavior of today (don’t be gross, don’t be creepy, don’t be desperate, etc, etc, etc) and the confusion about his type, and everything, all of this at the moment when I am still extremely vulnerable to weird and clingy behavior caused by drug residues – it gave me intense anxiety and self-restraint, mixed with affection and the feeling that I was happy to see him and loved looking at his eyes.
Oh well…. I’m going to try eating these jars of baby food that I bought. I’m blogging too much, and drinking a huge amount of coffee. I’m not done with the tents yet, and I’m not done buying my bike yet. However, the bike is partly purchased, for real, and I will have it in a few weeks. I’ve really done something.
QuickPress causes me to forget to close my parentheses, because I can only see three lines of what I’ve written. I had several typos in this post. I’ve had a higher-than-average number of typos in my recent posts, and for various reasons, I just ignored them and left them there. I had some kind of typo in one just today where I said “I’” and then started a new paragraph, because I forgot to finish something, and had no idea what it was, afterwards. And I’m leaving it there.
