Rain won’t stop; why is my car a burden?; the soul-murderers

Some unknown person asked to be my friend on facebook. I wouldn’t have necessarily been opposed to the idea, however, I had no idea who they were or how they knew me. It might have been someone who read my blog. I wasn’t able to send them a message, either. In the past I thought I was usually able to send a message along with my answer to a friend request, but this time I couldn’t, so, I just said no. I couldn’t even see who *their* friends were, so I wasn’t able to figure out if they knew somebody who knew me, or something.

It’s raining endlessly here today. I looked at the weather forecast, and they’re expecting it to keep raining for at least a couple more days, although it might be slowing down by this weekend. I know from experience, and from meteorology class, and from reading books about weather, that stratus clouds like this tend to just keep raining and raining forever. The whole sky is white, the ground is foggy, and the clouds and fog make it impossible to see the hills.

I am going to have to go out in this weather and do my project. If I had known that the rain would stop soon, I might have just waited for it to stop, but it isn’t ever going to stop, and I can’t afford to wait forever. I knew it was possible that something like this would happen, but I was afraid that it would be snow. Thankfully, it’s only rain. It would have been much harder if it had been a big long-lasting blizzard. I’m not sure I could have gotten to my camping/squatting site in the snow.

So now I’m just mustering up the will to go do it. I have to set up the tent-like object – I might jokingly call it a TLO, Teelo, or something like that.

I have to accept that the rain will never stop, and that I only have this one week vacation to get this project started. I realize I won’t get it completely done this week, but I have to start it.

This is analogous to breaking out of prison, for me. If you had only a brief opportunity to break out of prison, and it were pouring rain that day, would you skip it just because it was raining? No, you’d do it anyway, because you weren’t going to get another chance. That is how I’m viewing this situation. Every vacation that I take from work is a brief opportunity to make progress in my life. I can’t ask for too many vacations from work, partly because I need the money – my food cost is still extremely expensive, and I’m spending a lot on gas, and movies, too – but partly because the managers don’t really like giving people too many vacations – it’s an inconvenience for them. I know I was asking a lot when I requested a second vacation shortly after having taken the two-week vacation in December.

Actually, it’s theoretically possible that you *would* refuse to break out of prison if the weather were too bad, because the plan is not to die. However, if you don’t care about dying, then maybe you would break out of prison no matter what the weather was doing. You might have to walk a long way in the snow without food or shelter.

Anyway, I really want to ‘break free’ from car ownership. It’s odd, but I think I will probably travel more, not less, after I stop using the car. It will change the pattern of my travel. I will find out the limits of how far I can go by bike (without the motor, since I don’t have that yet, but would like to someday). Beyond those limits, I will have to start taking buses. We don’t have many trains that are working in the United States, but people still use the trains in Europe. Rick also did a lot of hitchhiking when he traveled, but I’m not sure I would feel comfortable hitchhiking, unless I were carrying a weapon. I would probably try to get around on the motorized bike.

Breaking free from electronic torture would be even better.

But anyway, why does owning a car make me feel unfree? Right now, I still have to fix the damage caused by the accident. I have lost track of when that happened. I think it was over a year ago, in October of 2010. It was October. I lost my job at Weis Market at the same time that I had the accident.

I had some difficulties getting the insurance payment, and when I finally got it, we found out that there was more damage than the amount they had estimated, which meant that I could not fix it right away, but would have to call them to get more insurance money. There was one complication after another, and since I had lost my job at the same time, I needed money to pay the rent.

I had deposited the insurance money into my checking account, and the balance on my checking account gradually went lower and lower and lower over the period of months when I was struggling to get the insurance paperwork worked out and all that. I was struggling in general – it was impossible to get anything done, and I was probably being tortured and forcibly prevented from doing it, most likely. It is impossible to muster up my will to do any ordinary thing at all if I am being tortured, and I am being tortured constantly – ‘murdered’ is the word that I would prefer to use, but I won’t get into that now – I am being murdered constantly, soul-murdered – my mind is destroyed and my consciousness ceases to exist during the attacks – and as a result of all of those things, I gradually spent the money that I had gotten from the insurance, without yet fixing the car. I didn’t get a second job again, but instead continued working at only one job, so I wasn’t able to save money.

So I lost all the money that I had been given from the insurance people. It wasn’t a huge amount of money. It was like $1200 something. I think it was $1234, actually, because that was a memorable number. It wouldn’t take long to get that if I had a second job, but right now, I don’t, and I don’t want one. I want to finish my self-liberation projects first, before getting a second job. If I get a second job, it will be harder to take time off, or to have any free time at all, to do my self-liberation projects. I was able to finish the project of getting rid of all my stuff in storage, and I am very, very … I don’t know which word to use – ‘grateful?’ Not ‘happy,’ really. Just grateful or something that I was able to finish doing that. I don’t like ‘grateful’ because it implies that I’m grateful to *somebody*. But I was able to finish doing that project, and I want to finish liberating myself from my car, too.

Anyway, I don’t *want* to save up $1234 to start fixing the car. And also, I don’t know, it might have been so long that they won’t do it anymore. It was over a year ago. They would have to start fixing it and call the insurance company to get the rest of the money. I have a feeling that it’s too long ago and they won’t do it anymore. So I would probably have to pay the $1234 and also whatever additional money would be needed, and they believed it would be a couple thousand dollars, because the car was damaged underneath – I got rear-ended, and you can see the crushed bumper, but some kind of ‘pan’ under the car was also damaged. The something pan.

I don’t want to spend thousands of dollars fixing the car. I don’t want to spend several months working at two jobs, eighty hours a week, only to fix the car, and only to see another year of my life go by without my having children. And even after I fixed it, there would still be the inevitable future repairs. Eventually, more things will break down that will need to be fixed, and I don’t want to spend that money on them.

Without a car, I will be less spontaneous. I will be forced to think more about what I’m going to do and how I’m going to do it. I view this as a good thing. I won’t be able to impulsively spend money as easily as before. If I weren’t being *murdered*, and yes, I am using that word, it would be much easier to make decisions about how I spend my money, and control my own actions.

Today ‘they’ suggested that I take online college courses, which would allow me to keep my children with me. I don’t object to that idea.

However, online classes don’t let you experience the social life of college, and the social life is the only real reason to go to college. College-educated people get married more than people who are not college educated. People socialize in college, and that is their sole reason for being there. That is what I have decided. College is completely pointless except as a social get-together location. That’s not entirely true – that’s exaggerated – the college professors are knowledgeable, and sometimes it helps to have a knowledgeable person who can tell you how to go about learning something, or who can tell you things that haven’t been written down in the books. It helps to have a structure that encourages you to do your work. But I still feel that the primary benefit of college is the socializing. I don’t even want to mention the ‘you have a piece of paper that tells people that you are educated,’ because that particular purpose of college is… distasteful to me.

Anyway, back to the car. I was saying why it makes me feel unfree. It’s hard to explain, but I actually feel like I will be less burdened and more mobile without the car. It would be easier to go to another country without the car. I won’t have to put it in storage somewhere or worry about it. I wouldn’t even need to come back to pick it up. I could leave and not come back if I wanted to. If I have very few belongings, it’s easier to do that.

I’m reluctant to go out there, but I have to. I have to start setting up the tent. I might get it partly set up today, and finish working on it tomorrow. Maybe it won’t be raining quite as badly tomorrow. It will still be raining but maybe not as much.

I’ve had some drug residues on me since New Year’s Eve when I visited my friend from McD. It’s mostly tobacco, but I recalled that he said he and his girlfriend had used antidepressants in the past, and I don’t know if they still do, which is why I’ve said they had ‘unknown/miscellaneous’ drug residues in addition to the tobacco. Whatever it is, it’s made me have a tendency to be angrier than usual for the past few weeks. I am just constantly angry for no reason, and after my experiences of the past few years, I know that this is caused by transdermal drug residues, and it isn’t just an ‘emotion.’ It’s true that I have plenty of reasons to be angry, but that’s not my nature. It isn’t natural for me to actually *feel* angry constantly all day long. I know from experience that that is caused by drugs. The murderers have been torturing me more than usual, or differently than usual, because of this anger, which they always try to provoke. I don’t know *why* they try to provoke anger and rage in the victims, but they do. Every victim that I’ve read about online has said this same thing, expressed this same rage, and drugs make that rage a million times worse.

And in the future, there will be some kind of project involving a shield that works. But I must liberate myself from my financial burdens right now, and do a couple of other things, and sell the car whenever I’m ready. Sometime after that, in the future, I will work on a shield. And sometime, I will talk to other victims, because I need to talk to someone who knows how it feels to be murdered, to have your soul destroyed, to have the hours of your life permanently taken away from you even though your body appears to be physically alive.

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